A 6'4" 250lbs penguin has been spotted running the up and down Wisconsin Avenue please call the authorities if he is spotted. Eye witness accounts have made out the Penguin roaming the line at Smith Point and looking up skirts on the steps at Townhall. Cops are setting up a trap in Gin and Tonic as we speak in hopes of luring the penguin in with Pez, Pop Rocks, a 1986 Optimus Prime figurine, and Pink "flavored" icy pops his mother usually buys for him at Costco.
Our prayers are with the DCPD and their families.
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