1-900 Commercials: The Internet's Greatest Casualty

The internet has changed the face of the world, and made that face full of porno and awesomeness. But, with the invention of the internet came the death of a few really awesome things. Most notably, the late night commercial for 1-900 numbers.Most of these consisted of shit like you see above; a shitty sax solo followed by some spokes girl who clearly came out to Hollywood to be an actress, then six months and several handjobs later, took this gig. In this commercial, it's as if the director said "Okay, when I call action, I want you to turn towards the camera like someone has just challenged you to see who could shit their pants fastest, but what they don't know is....you've already shit your pants."

But porn wasn't the only thing that a 900 number could access in the pre-internet world. With your parents' permission and a a dollar per minute, a person could access nearly anything their heart desired, from Nintendo tips to quick one-line insults. Sometimes you'd even have to call a 900 number just to figure out what the hell it was. Take "Freddy Freaker", for example- First of all, Freddy Freaker dances like he's a 78 year old man at a Bar Mitzvah. Secondly, if you were high and this commercial came on, there is absolutely NO WAY you couldn't call that number.

In it's heyday, the 900 number could cater to any need. But today the internet has taken these awesomely hilarious commercials and made websites for them. If you need to jack off, you don't stay up until one in the morning watching Police Academy 4 in hopes one of these commercials will run. You just type in what ever gives you a boner, and there's a site for it. But unfortunately, that means the rest of us don't get to watch these commercials. Instead, the commercials have morphed into shit like this:What the f*&k was that? Why was she fully clothed? Why is nothing about this commercial remotely sexy or hilarious? There's no saxaphone solo, instead there's some song that sounds like something they'd play during a montage from Family Matters where they all band together to rebuild the garage that Urkel accidentally drove his car through while Karl was gone. Late night commercials used to be something you could jerk off to, or laugh hysterically at, but the internet has eliminated the need for sexual encounters via phone and now all we're left with is the opportunity to call a fully clothed girl and have her laugh at you for $2.65 a minute.
Thanks holy taco!